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Christmas Jokes
funny golf video ;-)
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The Laws of Golf:
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. |
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"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez |
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Aim right..
A bachelor tried to take a vacation every Winter. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks in Thailand.
Last winter he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be no surprises later that would destroy their love.
Its only fair to warn you, Im a total golf nut, Tony said to his lady friend. I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if thats a problem, youd better say so now.
Well, if were being honest with each other, here goes, she replied. Im a hooker.
I see, Tony replied, and was quiet for a moment.
Then he added, You know, its probably because youre not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
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CADDY QUOTES:
"Player: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!
Caddy: This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago! "
Player: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf"
Player: "I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir "
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CHRISTMAS GOLF
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument Go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,' and she said, 'You'll need a sweater...'"
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One Sunday, St. Peter and God were up in heaven having coffee and bagels and just shooting the breeze, when St. Peter saw a priest down on one of Earth's golf courses. He told God about this blasphemy, and God told St. Peter that the priest would be duly punished.
With St. Peter looking over his shoulder, God caught the priest's drive at the 10th hole and dropped it straight into the hole.
"That wasn't much of a punishment," said St. Peter. "He just made a hole-in-one!"
God laughed. "Yeah, but who's he gonna tell?"
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Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water |
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You've just one problem. You stand too close to the ball--after
you've hit it. - Sam Snead
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1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players : "They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid choice is that?" "Thos |
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